The perils of having a precocious child!

A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall.
By Shannon Popkin

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and
does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we are
in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window.People
often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old.
And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always
fully cranked.There have been several embarrassing times that I've
wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a
not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than
last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade
with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the
restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming
from the second to the last stall:

"Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet
paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet
paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go
stinkies on the potty?"

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been
in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full...4? 5?
Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my
debut out of this stall and reveal my identity. Cade continued:

''Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl,
Mommy!Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the
potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh ... Mommy! I'm trying
to see In dere. Oh! I see dem.Dat is a very good girl, Mommy.
You are gonna get some candy!''


I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side
of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief.
This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a
long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, ''Why
don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some
candy. We'll both have some!''

''No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies....Oh! Mommy!''

He started to gag at this point.

''Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze
stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!''

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall..
I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject.
I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets.
If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who
overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

''Mommy! Would you get off the potty,now?I want you to be done
going stinkies! Get up! Get up!''

He grunted as he tried to pull me off Now I could hear full-blown
laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.
''Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da
door? What were you wooking at? Mommy? You wooking at the wady's
feet?''

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess
the situation.

''Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out
now, Mommy.'' He started pounding on the door.''Mommy, don't you
want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!''

I saw that my wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly
opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to
thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting
to applaud..

My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought,
where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed
away every bit of my dignity and privacy? But as my little boy
gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his
chubby little hands,I thought,I'd sign it all away again, just to
be known as Mommy to this little fellow..

(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She
lives with her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan, where she no
longer uses public restrooms)